I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize