I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
