i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I love having hate sex.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
