Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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