Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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