so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
