Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
