Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
