just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
