i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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