I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
