I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
