He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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