they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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