Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
i've created a new STD.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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