you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
