Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
