'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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