Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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