i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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