it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
