I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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