I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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