I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
