He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
