i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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