I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
