I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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