Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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