Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
