from now on my penis is your penis
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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