Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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