I just pynch a tree in the face
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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