Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
It's rum buckets o'clock
i think im in europe. pls send help
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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