I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
