I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
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