dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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