I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Girls should come with a carfax report
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
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It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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