I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
