I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We left the knife in your bed.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
