She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
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The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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