In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I want her autograph on my taint
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
