You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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