Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
ugly people sure do ruin things
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
