so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
