Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Dicks are not precious.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
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