You're a womanizer and a bitch.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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