Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
