Well apparently he's into motor boating.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
