I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize