dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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